Resources and Comments in Response to “Shame-Less and Grace-Full”
In “Shame-Less and Grace-Full” (the January 16, 2011 Alban Weekly, adapted from the book, Shame-Less Lives, Grace-Full Congregations), Karen McClintock draws on her experience as a ballet student to examine the results of shame-based teaching and leading. Mrs. Borsky, the ballet instructor of McClintock’s childhood, cloaked grace behind a slew of mean-spirited behaviors that led to a profound sense of shame for McClintock and her fellow students. The impact of those behaviors was felt years later.
The author goes on to explore how congregations can likewise instill a sense of shame, as can parental disapproval or abuse. McClintock asserts that those who lead our faith communities need to “recognize and heal the shame of your own upbringing, to recognize shame in the behavior of other leaders and clergy around you, to reduce shame-reinforcing theology, and to provide alternative messages of hope and healing.”
What resources can support the reduction of shame and the support of hope and healing? In addition to the items listed at the end of the article, please consider these items annotated in the Congregational Resource Guide: Be Not Anxious: Pastoral Care of Disquieted Souls; Pastoral Care: An Essential Guide; and Shared Wisdom: Use of the Self in Pastoral Care and Counseling.
What are your stories and thoughts on this topic? And what resources do you suggest? We look forward to hearing from you.
Caveat up front: read the article, have not had a chance to read the book. As a millenial, I find the focus on teaching and being a learning congregation enlightening and always a good way to go about things. But not only do the generations growing now need to have the teaching made alive for them today; older generations need to as well. Moving beyond a Sunday School theology is something that high amounts of people in all generations struggle with, and any faith is one that needs to be chewed on and worked on collaboratively to be ingested and made a lived reality. Deeper and more important to me however is the lack of outward focus on the world and the impact we can have from the article. Teaching within the church community is well and good but how can we step away from the worship services and the education hours to meet and live a teaching moment. How can we move from the institution of church to the embodying of Christ with others? Getting into other’s lives and living what we have been taught is oftentimes a far more effective way to help others to learn what it means to be grace-filled and still broken followers of Christ.
This means a whole lot to me…I will be using the thoughts in a devotion for a group of leaders on their retreat. They and I need to internalize the concept. Grace remains all-important in our lives as children of God.
Wow! Powerful stuff. Perhaps the most important point lies in the statement, “People with shame find shame-based congregations, because they are accustomed to being preached to, having fingers pointed in their direction, and the judgment of not measuring up.” From a systems perspective, this is maintaining homeostasis and explains why people are drawn to shame-based congregations, pastors; and why shame-filled people will resist grace-filled congregations, pastors, etc. Shame is a powerful force to which we pay far too little attention. Thank you for this article and for the book.
Vern Farnum
Indianapolis, IN
Thank you for a stimulating article on how our own brokenness may continue to have negative impact on how we present ourselves and how we respond to and treat others. All very true. I suspect that there is probably a mixture of shame and grace at work in any of our lives at any given time. While we strive for grace-filled living we may be caught in a cycle of feeling shame when we don’t achieve what we set out to be. However, thespace between may be a very important creative tension that we can learn to embrace as gift.
The article does have the potential to lead one who is already living in a more shame filled space to feel even more shame. Perhaps this is a misread and if so please disregard my comment.
This topic is an important one because of its implications on the assessment of human nature. Too often, theological musings leave out this critical assessment about the essence of human beings. Clearly, the dance studio took a low estimation of human capability. Demeaning students was thought to get them to rise to challenge, thereby avoiding embarrassment. Regrettably, certain theologies do that too, without showing us their cards about their view of the condition of humanity.
I find the discussion and assessment of human nature to be critical as a theological first step. The question is, what do we know for sure about human development? A resource I have found to be most helpful is George Lakoff’s work, specifically, his “Moral Politics,” but followed up elsewhere too. Lakoff compellingly suggests that the manner in which children are raised is crucial to an orientation that believes in the “can-do” possibilities that life has to offer.
“Shame Less and Grace Full” reminds me of the story of Noah’s drunkeness and nakedness, his sons’ discovery of their father’s sad state, and their response to his condition (Genesis 9: 18 ff). Rather than allow their father’s behavior to shame him, they covered him to protect his honor. Whether to protect another’s indiscretion is determined on a case-by-case basis. Some behaviors should not be sheltered while others may be discreetly concealed. For an excellent analysis on why congregations engage in shame-full behaviors, see James Griffith, MD, Religion That Heals, Relgion That Harms, in the section on how religious institutions employ sociobiological pressures (shame, guilt, honor, access to resources, etc.) to enforce confomity in congregations or denomiantions. Congregations become shame-full when the needs and priorities of the group take precidence over the needs and priorities of the individual. Organizations seem unable to resist this temptation, even religious ones.
Perhaps it is shame that blinds professional church leaders to the beauty and grace in small Christian communities. Perhaps it is their own raw inadequacies that cause them to focus on failure and shortcomings of other Christians. Perhaps they are coating their own worn personas in pancake makeup to hide their flaws as they flaunt their expertise. Thank you for an elegant look at the psychology of church leadership.